Global Reflections

Phare Ponleu Selpak: Not Just Any Circus

The evening of our arrival in Battambang, we had plans to go see the circus. I hadn’t been to a circus since I was a small child, and my memories of it involved the stereotypical big tent, three rings, animals, clowns, jugglers, and maybe a few tumblers thrown in just for fun. I had an idea that this circus would be different when Jeff pointed out that some of its former members now are part of Cirque du Soleil. My thoughts: “Oh, this is going to be more of an acrobatic circus. Cool!”

The show did involve amazing acrobatic feats, and they indeed were very cool, but it turns out that this circus is even more than that. This circus was Phare PonleuSelpak.

Phare Ponleu Selpak (PPS) is a Non-Governmental Organization (NGO; often called simply “a charity”) that was started in 1986 in a refugee camp near the Cambodia-Thai border. From the website: “The idea of a creative association, which would use art and expression to help young refugees overcome the trauma of war, emerged from drawing workshops held for children in the camps. This original idea continued after the refugees returned to their homeland, and PPS was formally founded in 1994 by a group of former Site 2 [Refugee Camp] children.” Phare Ponleu Selpak is centered in Battambang and currently serves over 1,000 children in various ways. Some attend a public school that is sponsored by the organization; others receive free medical care and meals; and many have access to a library and leisure center. But those are not the things for which PPS is most widely known.

PPS is known as a training center for artists, musicians, actors, and circus performers. During our time on the PPS campus, we experienced the results of training in all of these areas.

Upon our arrival, we first were ushered into a building in which original artwork was displayed. The work consisted of pencil drawings as well as paintings, using a variety of mediums and styles. I so wanted to take pictures of the art, but that just felt wrong—the work was for sale, and it would have been too much like stealing to create a digital copy rather than purchase the original—so I took pictures* only of two huge sculptures that were displayed in the rafters. These sculptures obviously paid homage to the circus school, which attracts so many paying visitors to the campus. A friend purchased small paintings of Buddha faces carved into stone, as well as a set of paintings of Ta Prohm. I came close to buying a painting (or two) of traditional, raised Cambodian houses, and I also gravitated toward one of the Ta Prohm paintings, but I realized that we purchased so much papyrus in Egypt, and we’ve already purchased or planned to purchase several other pieces of wall art here, that we simply won’t have wall space for much more. So I resisted the urge … I’m still not certain that was the right decision!

After we browsed in the art gallery for a while, it was time to go to the circus pavilion. This area was a relatively small, open-aired structure: a flat paved stage, with curtains hiding the backstage areas behind it, a small musicians’ area beside it, and bleachers in front of it, all covered by a roof supported by poles, on which hung the necessary spotlights. Not a particularly impressive setting for what turned out to be a very impressive show.

Even after learning that the circus is more acrobatic than animal, my expectations turned out to be too low. I expected spectacular feats, to be sure, but I expected acrobatics, and that was it—maybe I’m just revealing that I’ve never seen a Cirque du Soleil show, but it didn’t occur to me that there was more to it than acrobatics. This was so much more than acrobatics. This was drama, set to music, accompanied by the creation of original paintings, and telling the stories both of one woman and of a nation.

The show started with an old woman hobbling out onto the stage. She was bundled up against the incessant chill that her old bones probably felt on the warmest of days, wearing glasses, and carrying a book that she obviously treated with great love and respect. As she sat down to read, however, she fell asleep … and the story began.

Several young men ran onto the stage, and with loving tenderness, they began to rewind the clock. Away went the book. Off came the glasses, then the scarf. With each article that she no longer needed, the woman straightened, became more energetic … became younger, until at last there was a young girl sitting there. The girl hopped off the stool and started playing with her friends, at least until the teacher came in and forced them back to work.

Meanwhile, off to the side, an artist unobtrusively painted a serene Buddhist monk, in his bright saffron robes, on a previously blank canvas.

The show continued with snippets of the girl’s life. We watched her grow into a young woman, start dating, have children, become a teacher—each phase marked by exuberant, awe-inspiring feats of balance and agility by both the girl and those around her. Along the way, we saw a night when she was tormented by demons—a night when she almost died, and the serene monk was covered over with black and spattered with red. A night when her country was ransacked and her life was endangered by the Khmer Rouge.

We also saw the dawn, when the young woman rose from her bed, triumphant merely because she still breathed. On canvas, we saw a tranquil farm on a dirt road—and we saw a city rise in the background, the brown dirt road transform into the black of asphalt, and street lights appear. We saw peace and hope return to the country, and to her life.

Eventually, we saw the young woman grow old. We saw her grow bent and frail. And we saw the tenderness with which her sons treated her as she released her cares and her frailties and passed on from this life.

We saw this woman’s life story. We laughed at her childhood antics, we feared for her life, we rejoiced with her when she fell in love. We shared her pride as she watched her children (or maybe her students) grow and develop and fulfill their potential. We felt a quiet sadness at her passing, and yet recognized her satisfaction at a life well lived.

All of this without a word.

That was Phare Ponleu Selpak.

*None of my pictures turned out very well. Even in the art gallery, which was well lighted, the rafters were a bit dark. And during the performance itself, of course it was dark, and flash photography was not allowed because it could distract the performers. The combination of low light and quick motion meant that these photos by far are not the best pictures I’ve ever taken.

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Battambang series:

1: Battambang Resort

2: Phare Ponleu Selpak

3: A Morning in Battambang
4: Caves, Mountains, and Monkeys: An Afternoon in Battambang

Review: Battambang Resort

Our bungalow at Battambang Resort, as seen from the restaurant

This past weekend was a long one, thanks to Labor Day, and a very good one, thanks to the embassy’s Community Liaison Office (CLO). The CLO organized a trip to Battambang, and our family took full advantage of this lazy-person’s opportunity to see more of Cambodia without putting in any of the work to plan the trip. Battambang is Cambodia’s second largest city, but unlike the other major population centers, it retains the feel of traditional Cambodia—it doesn’t attract as many expats as Phnom Penh or as many tourists as Siem Reap. There are some temples worth seeing and a couple of tourist attractions that are unique to Battambang, and I hope to talk about these in a future post, but this post is all about the resort.

The approach to our bungalow

Battambang Resort just opened in January 2012, but it already has a reputation for excellence. As far as I can tell, the reputation is well deserved. The resort is owned by a married couple, who were readily available and engaged in making sure every need and want was satisfied. The staff was friendly—especially toward Alexa, as Cambodians in general love children—and did everything in their power to make our stay pleasant.

Sleeping area--after we'd used it, so not as tidy as it was at first

Our group booked the entire place, which consists of four bungalow (or lake view) rooms and maybe six standard (or garden view) rooms. Jeff, Alexa, and I stayed in a bungalow, assuming that we’d have more room for Alexa’s peapod in a bungalow than in a standard room. I don’t know if there would have been room for it in a standard room, but there was no problem fitting it into our bungalow. The room itself was clean and comfortable, and nicely furnished. It had the tile floors that are characteristic of Cambodian structures and a neutral color palette that felt clean and relaxing. The bathroom area was large, with a separate room for the toilet and a very cool shower—it was made of cement, was round, and had a rainfall showerhead, as well as a hand unit that could provide more water pressure when needed. The shower also had a skylight, which was practical, as the power was out throughout the city for the full day on Saturday. In fact, the large windows and patio doors, as well as the high windows in the water closet and even the frosted windows beside the sink ensured that there was plenty of light throughout the room even without any electricity. Jeff assures me that the bed was very comfortable—I found it to be too firm, but I know that I’m in the minority when it comes to sleeping preferences; most people almost certainly would say that it was just right. The room also had air conditioning and a ceiling fan.

View toward the bathroom (yes, those are Alexa's pink shoes)

The other major feature of the resort was the restaurant. We ate all of our meals there, rather than taking the 10- or 15-minute tuk tuk ride into town for meals. Breakfast was included in the price of the room, and we could choose from four pre-set menus: the Bakery Breakfast (pancakes, French toast, and various other breads), the American Breakfast (eggs, bacon, sausage, and various breads), the Healthy Breakfast (fruit, yoghurt, cereal, and various breads), or the Asian Breakfast (I didn’t consider this one seriously enough to remember what was included), all of which came with coffee or tea, orange or apple juice, and butter and homemade dragonfruit jam as needed. Jeff and I ordered the American Breakfast for ourselves and the Healthy Breakfast for Alexa, and we all went away very satisfied. For lunch and dinner, there were sandwiches, salads, western meals, and Asian meals. During the course of the weekend, I tried one sandwich, one cheeseburger, one wrap, two Asian meals—sweet and sour pork and chicken with cashew nuts—and one dessert. All of it was very tasty and reasonably priced. The Asian meals were a little spicier than expected, but they still tasted good. The quality of the food undoubtedly was enhanced by the fact that a lot of it, including the rice, is grown in the resort’s garden and therefore was much fresher than the fare to which we Americans are accustomed. Even the potato chips were homemade!

Vanity area in our bungalow

Service at the restaurant was good. The staff was responsive to requests in those rare circumstances that our needs were not anticipated. There were a couple of meals where it took a while for the food to be prepared, but that was because the kitchen simply was overwhelmed by our large group all ordering at the same time. In most cases, an entire resort’s worth of guests probably do not order meals at once, and during the times that we were able to set our own schedules a bit more, and therefore spread out our meals, service was reasonably paced. The staff also was open to taking orders in advance and to preparing food for take-out, which proved convenient for our bus ride back to Phnom Penh.

The restaurant, as seen from the pool

As a side note, there is a generator for the kitchen, and the seating area has lots of natural light (it’s covered but has no walls), so the restaurant remained open even with the power outage. The staff also had no problem with one family storing their babies’ bottles in the restaurant’s refrigerator during the outage or, for that matter, the rest of the time, in case of further power outages.

The pool

The resort grounds were beautiful, to put it simply. The pool was right beside the restaurant, with a lake on one side and the garden view rooms on the other. Fruit trees and flowers grew everywhere—I took a picture of a banana tree while sitting at lunch one day, and I have some gorgeous pictures of Alexa walking along the flower-bordered path to our bungalow. I did not ask for a tour of the gardens, though now I wish I had—I would love to have pictures of the rice field, the herb gardens, and the fruit trees.

Spirit house near the front desk

The owners also happily arranged for rides to town, tuk tuk tours of the area, and tickets to the Phare Ponleu Selpak circus. There was a small gift shop where several of us purchased Kampot pepper, lemongrass, oil burners, or wooden canisters, Buddhas, or other carvings, all at reasonable prices.

View from our window

And, finally, speaking of prices: Battambang Resort may cost a little more than other hotels in Battambang, but it's well worth any slight increase in cost. By western standards, the prices are incredibly reasonable. Depending on the season and room type, prices range from $45 to $75 a night for a garden or lake room. (Apparently there also are or will be family rooms/suites available at a higher cost, but these did not seem to be in use during our stay.) Breakfast and wi-fi are included in the price. I don’t recall the exact prices of other meals, but most of them were $5 or less.

Elephant statues that Alexa loved

Bottom line—I highly recommend Battambang Resort. Whether you’re in the area for business or pleasure, whether you intend to spend your days sightseeing or lounging around the pool, Battambang Resort is a great place to make your home base.

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Battambang series:

1: Battambang Resort

2: Phare Ponleu Selpak

3: A Morning in Battambang
4: Caves, Mountains, and Monkeys: An Afternoon in Battambang

Letters to My Daughter: About Your Career

Dear Alexa,

A few days ago, I read a blog pos tthat quoted and linked to a studythat addressed the question of whether or not medical school is a worthwhile investment for women. As I’m sure you’ll hear throughout your life, there is a wage disparity for men and women in the same profession, and it is this wage disparity for primary care physicians that caused researchers to ask this question. The researchers used a tool called the Net-Present-Value (NPV) calculation to assess the initial investment costs and the earnings of physicians and of physician assistants and compared the financial values of the two careers for both men and women. The results showed that the NPV of a career as a physician was, as expected, higher than the NPV of a career as a physician assistant for men. However, the results for women were opposite: Women who chose careers as physician assistants were better off financially than women who chose careers as physicians.

Why this disparity? That question often is answered in different ways, depending on the political and sociocultural leanings of the answerer. Feminists and liberals say that women earn less because of discrimination or because the workplace is structured to meet men’s needs, but not to meet women’s needs. Those with a more traditional and/or more conservative worldview, however, say that women earn less because they make different choices—they work fewer hours, they take extended time off for childbirth and child rearing, they forego more lucrative positions or promotions in order to meet their family obligations.

In the study cited here, it is obvious that the reason for the pay gap between male and female doctors is that male doctors work significantly more hours than do the female doctors. Is that because women freely make different choices, or is it because society forces them into different choices? I believe it’s the former. Women, like men, have choices. Women, like men, must deal with the consequences of their choices. Today’s feminist society does not force women into marriage or motherhood—if anything, today’s feminist society convinces women that they can have it all, that they don’t have to make choices. But the truth is that we all make choices, and every choice has a consequence. Every choice opens some doors and closes others; every choice makes some future options easier or more likely and makes other future options more difficult or less likely. It is our job as responsible adults to foresee the reasonable consequences of our choices and to choose accordingly. Of course sometimes unforeseen events occur, but most of our major decisions have predictable consequences that we should consider before making our choice.

Your father and I are raising you with the goal that you will have the ability and the wisdom to think about the consequences before you make choices. I wrote to you before about some of the things you should think through, know, and accept before you choose a husband. Now I want to urge you to think carefully about your choice of career beforeyou invest a lot of time or money into your training.

It would be easy for me to say to you, “Oh, you want to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or the President of the United States? I have utter confidence in you, Daughter; I know you can do it—go pursue your dreams!” Much more difficult, but more honest and more loving, is the response that I hope I have the courage to give you: “I recognize that you want to help people live healthy lives, or fight for justice, or help our nation follow the right path. I commend you for that desire. And I do have faith in your ability, Daughter. But I question whether you’ve really thought through the implications of that choice for your life. Not just for your professional life, but for your whole life.”

You see, Alexa, your career does not exist in a vacuum. It is a part of your life, but it is not your entire life. Before you choose a career, there are some other things that you need to decide.

Is it a priority for you to get married? When you visualize your ideal life, are you a single woman, or are you a wife? If you prefer not to marry, then you will have as much time and energy as any man to devote to your career. So if you choose not to marry, the yes, absolutely, go pursue your dreams!

But it is a rare woman who does not want to marry. And if you do want to marry, you should consider the repercussions of any potential career on your marriage. If you want to marry, then pursue that dream—don’t fill your life so completely with career preparation that you don’t have time for a relationship that could lead to marriage. Don’t choose a career that will require you to work so many hours to recoup your initial investment that you don’t have time to devote to your husband.

If you marry, that also raises the possibility of children. There are some women who choose not to have children, who make that choice when they are young and who never have second thoughts. But it is much more common for a woman (and for a man) to want children. If you are like most women, and your husband is like most men, the two of you will want at least one child. So you must decide what kind of mother you want to be. This decision is best made alongside your husband, but you may need to choose your educational and career path before your find your husband—and if you feel strongly enough about the type of mother you want to be, then that may be a “deal breaker” issue in your romantic relationships; if you absolutely want to be a stay at home mother, then you should not be dating a man who insists that his wife will work outside the home and put their children in daycare, and if you absolutely refuse to be a stay at home mother, then you should not be dating a man who wants his wife to fulfill that role.

So what effect would your mothering decisions have on your career? Quite a large one! If you want to be a stay at home mother, then you need to be very careful to put yourself into a position in which you can afford to quit your job when your first child is born. Your father and I made this choice, although not until after we each as singles had made some less than ideal financial decisions. We knew when we married that we needed to fix our finances in order to get ourselves into a position where we didn’t need for me to earn money. I worked for pay when your father and I married, but we lived off his salary and used mine primarily to pay off our debts. By the time you were conceived, we were debt free and accustomed to living on his salary alone. I actually had quit my job over a year before you were conceived, so that I could follow your father to Egypt, where his career was taking us.

Did you notice the difference in terminology there? I quit my job for the sake of your father’s career. My job always was a short-term affair for me, although it was in a field that could have been a career had we made different choices. My identity was not wrapped up in my profession; I could leave it without it causing a fundamental change in how I thought of myself. It was a big adjustment, and a difficult one in some ways, but it was not so difficult as it would have been if I had invested more of myself into it.

The distinction between a job and a career is something you should consider: which one do you want? You will need to earn money before you marry, and probably after you marry as well. You and your husband may choose for you to continue earning money after your children are born, or you may choose to stay home with the children, or you may do both—working from home so that you can both earn money and be with your children. But you can earn money with either a job or a career. If you choose a career, you will invest in it. You will invest a lot of time and possibly a lot of money, if it requires specialized education. A career is difficult to walk away from. Choose a career only if you intend not to walk away from it. (Your father pointed out that there are some careers that can be put on hold while you walk away temporarily, intending to return to it once your children are in school; if that is your intention, choose a career for which that is a possibility.)

But if your sole or main focus will be the supporting of your husband, the raising of your children, and the keeping of your home, then choose a job. Choose a field that you can enter without investing a lot of time or money in education, so that you will not be obligated by loan repayment or by a sense of responsibility to those who trained you to continue in the field when you otherwise would leave. Choose a position that will not require you to work long hours or to travel away from home, so that your time will be available to your husband and your children. Choose a position that you enjoy, yes, and that allows you to contribute to the world in a positive way, but do not allow it to define you to the extent that you aren’t willing to walk away from it if that is what is best for your family. And accept that positions without heavy initial investments, without excessive hours, and without travel do not pay as much as positions with those things.

Choosing a career or a job is not as simple as merely pursuing something that you would enjoy doing during your working hours. You will have non-working hours, too. Consider those hours when deciding about your work. If you don’t, you may find yourself one of many women who want to stay home with the children, but who can’t because of large student loans. You may find yourself successful in your career, but without a husband, or with a husband whom you never see, or with children whom you barely know, because you work all the time. Consider your personal life when making decisions about your professional life.

Work-life balance is not something that you should consider only after you’re firmly established in a career. It is not something that your employer is obligated to provide for you. It’s something you obtain or forego based on the choices you make, often on the choices that you make before you even report for your first day of work. Choose wisely, Alexa.

And always remember, your mama and your daddy love you.

Love,

Mama

Choices, Consequences, and a Peapod

Jeff and I do not subscribe to any one system of child rearing. We’ve gleaned ideas from multiple sources, incorporated some ideas into our parenting repertoire, and discarded others. One of the main ideas that we have kept is the idea that children should be taught from a young age that choices have consequences. (One system that clearly articulates this idea is Love and Logic, although we do not go as far with it as they do.)

In keeping with our desire for Alexa to develop good decision-making skills, she is allowed to make age-appropriate choices. She chooses her clothing from a pre-selected set, she often (but not always) chooses what she’ll eat for meals or snacks from a selection that I offer to her, and she frequently is offered the choice to walk or be carried, to have help or to do it herself, or if she wants Mama or Miing-Miing or Daddy to change her diaper.

Just from the choices I’ve listed, you may notice one key element of this strategy: Alexa does not choose from infinite options—she chooses only from options that are acceptable to us. She does not have a choice in whether or not her diaper will be changed, only in who will change it. She does not have the option not to go where Mama needs her to go, only in whether she’ll walk or be carried.

The other key element of this strategy is not immediately apparent: Once Alexa makes a choice, she is stuck with it, within reason. If she chooses leftover gnocchi for lunch instead of leftover pizza, she is not allowed to take two bites of gnocchi and then switch to pizza, or to take two bites and be done with lunch and ready for her snack. Instead, she is told that she needs to eat the lunch that she has chosen, and if she chooses not to eat, then that’s okay, but if she eats anything at all before supper, it will be the lunch she chose. (We do not hold food over from one meal to the next; undesired breakfast gets tossed at lunch and so on, but she isn’t allowed a snack between meals until she’s eaten the meal.) I say that she’s stuck with her choice within reason because there are exceptions—if she’s never had a food and chooses to try it, we allow her to eat something else if she realizes that she doesn’t like it; the one time that she chose to wear her rain pants instead of cotton pants, we allowed her to change when she realized that she didn’t like how they squeak (although we wouldn’t allow her that option again; instead we remind her that they squeak and ask if she’s certain, and so far, she’s always changed her mind when given the opportunity).

As Alexa has grown and developed, the range of choices we allow her to make has increased, and it will continue to increase as she continues to grow and develop. In this way, we give her experience in making choices and safely expose her to the reality that choices have consequences. Our expectation is that by allowing her to make age-appropriate choices and deal with the consequences herself, she naturally will begin to think ahead and consider the consequences before the choice is made. Of course, we’ll need to prompt her to do that at first, as we do when we remind her that the rain pants squeak, and as we’ll eventually do when we remind her that taking a jacket on a warm day means that she’ll have to carry it herself, and not taking a jacket on a cool day means that she’ll feel cold.

And we do deny Alexa the right to make certain choices. She does not choose whether or not to take a bath, whether or not to have her diaper changed, whether or not it’s time to go to bed. If I cook dinner, that’s what’s for dinner, period. When we offer Alexa a choice, she has a choice; when we do not offer her a choice, then it is a foregone conclusion that things eventually will unfold as we have directed—whether that means that her diaper is changed while she screams rather than while she cooperates, or whether that means that she obeys after a spanking instead of obeying without a spanking. This, too, is a lesson that it is important to learn at a young age: We do not always have a choice in what happens to us, but we have a choice in how we respond to it and often in whether or not we make it more difficult than it has to be; even when we do have a choice, the consequences of one choice often are severe enough that it feels as though we don’t—consider the consequences of defying a legitimate order from a police officer, for example.

At the same time, there are things that we, as parents, have to recognize that we cannot force Alexa to do, even at her young age. We cannot force her to eat—we can deny her the ability to eat by withholding food, but we cannot force feed her if she is determined not to eat, at least not without the risk of physical harm. This reality is a primary reason why we developed a strategy for handling the situation when she refuses to eat meals!

We also cannot force Alexa to sleep. We can force her to stay in her crib (at least for now, until she develops the ability to climb out of it), and we even can force her to lie down, if we’re willing to stay with her and physically hold her down. But there’s no point to that, even if we were willing to do it, because she will not fall asleep until she’s ready. We sometimes can’t force ourselves to sleep, much less force her to do so!

And that is the problem I’ve been considering for the last few days. Alexa falls asleep easily in her bed now, after some sleep training using a method written about by Jodi Mindelland recommended to me by a friend who just happens to be a sleep expert. But we’re going to be traveling later this year, and Alexa’s crib cannot come with us. Alexa is sensitive about where she sleeps, and in the past, she’s always slept with us when we traveled. (We had a travel crib, but she never would sleep in it and now she’s too big for it.) Sleeping with us is not a workable solution anymore, however; lately when we’ve tried to bring her into our bed after a nightmare or after she wets through her diaper, none of us are able to go back to sleep—the last two times we’ve tried, we’ve ended up putting her back in her bed two or three hours later, after all three of us have lain in bed awake and fidgety. So we’ve had to come up with another solution.

Alexa's Peapod

Our solution of choice is the Peapod. This tent is lightweight and folds down to almost nothing, making it perfect for air travel. It has an inflatable mattress in its own zippered compartment, which provides a comfortable sleep surface. It has walls and a zippered flap, allowing both easy access and safety, since we’re concerned about Alexa crawling out and roaming around an unfamiliar environment in the dark. And the walls all have large mesh sections, allowing for breathability and enabling us to see in and Alexa to see out.

Sounds perfect, right? Alexa thought so—she crawled in, brought her babies in, even lay down in it. And then she realized she was sleepy. Out she came. We asked her if she’d like to sleep in the Peapod. “No! No sleep Peapod!” she wailed. Ok, ok, no sleep Peapod! We decided to let her get more accustomed to the Peapod during her awake times before asking her to sleep in it.

Why the Peapod went away

A few months have passed since then. Her response to the idea of sleeping in the Peapod: fear and wailing. We eventually put the Peapod up, because we were getting nowhere and the cats wanted to claw it. Alexa had not seen it or heard it mentioned in several weeks. But I’ve been thinking about it. We need this to work. Just yesterday, I posted on my Facebook status, asking for advice. This morning, Jeff and I were discussing the replies, trying to decide what to do.

Alexa must have heard us.

When it was time for her nap this afternoon, she didn’t want to sleep, although she obviously was ready. I followed our normal naptime routine: change her diaper, say goodnight to Daddy, and rock while Mama sings, then prays, then sings some more. Finally, before she falls asleep, she gets put in bed.

Today, when I told her to say goodnight to Daddy, Alexa said: “Peapod!” She started trying to get into the closet, where the Peapod has been living. Jeff and I asked if she wanted to sleep in her Peapod today. “No sleep Peapod! Peapod?” Translation: “No, I don’t want to sleep in it, but I do want to play in it!” Nope, not an option.

We continued with the routine. As I put her in bed, she suddenly started crying. “No sleep! No sleep!” A few seconds later, she realized that I would not be taking her back out of bed anytime soon, and she changed strategies. “Sleep Peapod!”

Time for a quick consultation with Jeff. It was obvious that she was stalling; she’d let us take her and her babies out of bed, put the Peapod in the crib (we’ll get her used to it in a familiar sleep location before we move it to the floor), put the babies in, and then she’d announce that she didn’t want to sleep in the Peapod after all. We knew she’d do this, and we didn’t want her to develop negative associations with the Peapod and never choose to sleep in it again, but we very much wanted her to sleep in it. We decided to preserve some choice at this point, not to force her to sleep in it, but make it clear to her that if she chose to sleep in it at naptime today, she would stay in it during all of naptime today. We made that decision as clear as we could to a two-year-old, and she insisted—“Sleep Peapod!”

Peapod in the crib

So out came Alexa and the babies, in went the Peapod, in went the babies, and—“No sleep Peapod! Sleep bed!” Just as expected. Nevertheless, in went Alexa. “No sleep Peapod!” We rubbed her back for a minute, told her we loved her, and left the room. A quick consultation in the hall decided that we’d follow the same routine we did when we accustomed her to her bed. At this early stage, that meant that if she was still crying in five minutes, we’d go in and comfort her for a few moments.

Five minutes later, Jeff went in to reassure Alexa that she was safe and we were close by. He found all of Alexa’s babies—maybe 14 of them today; she sleeps with as many as we’ll allow—on the floor. Apparently she’d had a bit of a temper tantrum. He put her babies back in the Peapod, told her that if she threw them out again, they’d stay out, comforted her for a moment, and left.

To our surprise, we didn’t hear another peep from her for almost two hours—a normal nap time for her. Jeff went to get her, and I found her a few minutes later in the playroom, happily playing in her Peapod.

The goal: For this to be real, not pretending!

This is a great start! Our strategy for building on this progress is to put her in the Peapod in her crib for naptime every day—no more choices about that for now. Once she consistently falls asleep in it without protest, we’ll start zipping the flap. Once she’s used to that, we’ll move the whole thing to the floor. When she can sleep in the zippered Peapod on the floor for naptime, we’ll have her sleep there for a few nights. After that, we’ll offer her a choice of her bed or the Peapod often enough to keep her used to it, and if she doesn’t choose it, we’ll make the choice for her as necessary.

So today was a double-win day: Alexa had a lesson in accepting the consequences of her choices, and we got her started on a path toward sleeping in the Peapod. Choices, consequences, and a Peapod.

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